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Feelings are energy in motion. Block them, and they’ll rewrite your nervous system, forcing embodiment;
Feelings communicate in one way or another, expressions of of your deepest values.
Emotions are energy in motion. Repress them, and they’ll amplify, rewiring your nervous system until your actions embody your truth. Energy always speaks.
Emotions are energy in motion;
Energy in motion signals communication of internal and external stimuli.
I've never attained anything from numbing or ignoring the instinctive energetic signals that key me into immediate awareness from external or internal cues communicating things about my inner & outer environment
Trauma survivors may be taught to deny or repress their emotions by outsiders because they are “bigger” or “dysregulated” to onlookers. But in fact those emotional signals saved my life, and oftentimes we have our own emotional responses utilised against us by others.
Trauma research, especially polyvagal theory, supports this.
Suppressed emotions create physiological changes in the autonomic nervous system, leading to symptoms like hypervigilance, dissociation, or emotional numbing. Your body literally encodes unprocessed trauma, driving behavior on a subconscious level.)
But the body knows.
This echoes Peter Levine’s work in Somatic Experiencing: unprocessed emotions don’t vanish; they remain in the body, influencing actions and relationships.
If a person is toxic, or a situation is threatening or unhealthy, our body will know or perceive it before our minds have the logical, rational facts to understand it. We have the energetic knowing.
This is somatic intuition: the body registers threat milliseconds before the brain can process it consciously. Ignoring this “felt sense” often leads to repeating trauma cycles.)
Weaponized Emotions and Bodily Knowing
Trauma teaches us that the body perceives danger before the conscious mind can rationalize it. We develop an energetic knowing, a physiological intuition that warns us of toxic people or unsafe situations. Neurobiologically, this is rooted in hypervigilance of the amygdala and limbic system, which reacts to relational threat signals long before the prefrontal cortex can contextualize them logically.
Looking back over the past eight years, there are countless moments I wish I had trusted my instincts, heeded my bodily cues, and chosen alternate pathways to prevent further trauma and dissociation. I didn’t, and the consequence was compounded emotional dysregulation, repeated relational harm, and prolonged distress. But while I can’t undo those past experiences, I can now articulate them, acknowledging their impact and reclaiming agency
a form of conscious trauma processing I had not practiced before, particularly during prior cycles of trauma flooding and university burnout.
This is my call to never allow such dynamics to govern my life again. This narrative is about my choice points: those critical moments where I consciously or unconsciously decided to stay, tolerate, or ignore discomfort, and the resulting impact on my wellbeing.
Now, I am reclaiming agency: I can tune into what and who nourishes me, and I have begun to rebuild trust in my own intuition.
Most importantly, I am learning to feel good with myself
something I hadn’t experienced before my relationship with J*.
Even with this awareness, I endured moments of extreme dysregulation. I remember crying, pleading, and screamingnot just at others, but at myself
identifying patterns I had promised my former self I would never let recur.
Only this time, the intensity was worse.
Other forces, dynamics, and relational pressures compounded the situation.
I had betrayed my inherent energetic knowing
After years of investment
seven years of time, energy, and effort poured into projects and relationships where reciprocity was absent
I found my boundaries systematically eroded. This is consistent with trauma bonding and fawning behaviors, where empathic investment is weaponized against the self. My cup was empty, and I asked the only question that my exhausted nervous system could muster: “Why am I not worthy?”
After years of investment years of time, energy, and effort poured into projects and relationships where reciprocity was absent
I found my boundaries systematically eroded. This is consistent with trauma bonding and fawning behaviors, where empathic investment is weaponized against the self.
My cup was empty, and I asked the only question that my exhausted nervous system could muster: “Why am I not worthy?”
Emotions are invaluable messengers
not to be ignored but intuited
I ended up finding what worked for me.
But I have an entire series of posts on this alone which I will, in time, release.
***
All of this aims to inform me, and bring me back into my authentic and higher self
Realigning me to who I was a decade or more ago, before all these codependent interrelations & trauma memories overflowed into my conscious awareness.
Perhaps I’ll find the meaning of what all the extra layers of pain and the lost ten years of time which currently feels wasted “means” because right now, it just feels like added trauma and a lost ten years in which *I was supposed to be finished my masters degree and at this stage of my life goals I set a decade ago*.
Now, I have a chance to reformat my life and set new decade-long goals, and I am terrified of repeating past patterns. Looking back to November 2015, when I first met J*, I was at a peak of personal fulfillment:Ilwas clear about what I wanted: a supportive partner and the resources to live a life aligned with my goals. I took a risk on Jonathan because, in that moment, I felt ready to integrate love into a life that was already flourishing.
Psychologically, what followed was a classic pattern of relational enmeshment and covert emotional manipulation. Over time, J* systematically shrunk my social and emotional world. He framed family, friends, my interests, and even my therapist’s interventions as “bad influences,” which eroded my autonomy and fostered internalized guilt and self-blame.
This is consistent with patterns seen in covert narcissistic abuse, where the partner’s distortions are gradually internalised by the survivor, creating a dependency on their judgment.(it was true I only trusted HIM)
I was extremely vulnerable and trusting
showing him everything from trauma memories to deep emotional & psychological states.
In relational psychology, this level of disclosure with a manipulative partner can create a profound imbalance, because it gives the abuser full access to the survivor’s internal life, which can then be weaponised through guilt, emotional coercion, and subtle control.
I bear responsibility for my vulnerability, but it was also exploited and used against me in the end.
The dynamics of guilt were nuanced.
With my ex Alexander (an overt narcissist type who ultimately apologised and wasn't that bad outside of rape), guilt was often a consequence after the fact.
With Jonathan (covert), guilt was preemptive and tenacious, shaping my decisions before I even had conscious awareness of manipulation.
Even my interactions with K*, introduced into my sphere by Jonathan, were mediated by layers of guilt and coerced compliance
another example of triangulation, a common tactic in manipulative relational systems.
By the time the relationship ended, I was left stonewalled, misled, and uncertain of his true thoughts or feelings, a hallmark of ambiguous loss and relational trauma.
Despite nine years of deep emotional investment and apparent friendship, the truth of his intentions remained obscured.
What remains obvious, however, is that before the discard and devaluation, he actively pursued me through my writing, demonstrating that relational attention and affection can be instrumentalized as a form of control, keeping survivors tethered while slowly eroding their autonomy.
Looking back, I acknowledge the appetite for clarity and closure. But its not a necessity. Just an urge. Its human afterall
not for reconciliation, but for self-validation and understanding.
I want to document the patterns and the relational dynamics, to make sense of how nine years of emotional labor, authenticity, and trust were navigated within a system that consistently undermined my agency.
I can no longer allow those dynamics to define my path. I am reclaiming my time, energy, and self-determination, aware that trauma-informed awareness, boundary-setting, and critical reflection are now my guides.
I want to note the intrinsic link between the path on how my former therapist led to my relationship to him suggesting me enter a relationship with a “nice guy” which was a huge variable that led me to choosing a “poor decision”. Which led to J* which led to J* forcing k* into my path. This is the cascade of further trauma, that unearthed original trauma and caused more trauma I am now dealing with. I will not know the cause or meaning to these events now and maybe not ever. But I am one who pweorttually seeks meaning out of the misery. As in the past many painful events have been “part of the purpose”
Betrayal, Trust, and the Weaponisation of Vulnerability
I shared my darkest secrets with him; my traumamemories, secrets of childhood pain, my distress, the most intimate parts of my inner life.
We had joy, humor, and private rituals that were unique to our camaraderie. These moments; the playful, the weird, the deeply personal experiences, are the hardest betrayal snatched and years to heal from when they’re shattered.
They’re not things I could casually explain to a therapist, a classmate, or anyone in my recovery circle.
Concepts like “astral lilac guppies” or “trading with the roo and the zebra finch” weren’t frivolous; they were part of our shared symbolic world, a way I communicated meaning and attachment.
When he walked away, it wasn’t just a person “leaving”
it was a fracturing of a relational reality I had tenaciously co-constructed.
From a psychological perspective, this is profoundly destabilising.
Attachment theory shows that abrupt, unexplained departures from a trusted caregiver or partner particularly after years of relational attunement can trigger complex grief, relational trauma, and secondary attachment injuries.
My body and mind perceived the abandonment long before my cognitive understanding could make sense of it.
Even the symbolic bonds I held
like my birds are a locus of grief. I had nurtured them, and when split apart, it mirrored the internal fragmentation I was already experiencing. The loss wasn’t trivial or “petty”; it was an extension of the relational trauma I had endured over years.
What was especially confusing and damaging was the mixed messaging of presence and absence
J had been there through some of my most vulnerable moments: trauma flooding sessions, memory processing, and guided explorations of CPTSD and ritual abuse flooding.
But at a certain point, he opted out without communication, leaving me with no clarity about the timing or reasoning.
From a trauma-informed perspective, this is profoundly destabilising
it re-traumatises the nervous system and can reinforce hypervigilance, dissociation, and mistrust in prospective relationships.
When he later framed K*, a manipulative and potentially unstable individual, as “better qualified to help me,” he effectively weaponised my trust and vulnerability in J.
J displaced responsibility for my trauma exposure onto me, and me alone and rejected my trust in him, denying 6-7 years of our bond and denying all the experiences we shared.
This reinforces shame and confusion while also building conditions for further harm at the hands of K* and others.
This is the ***textbook illustration of betrayal trauma***, where a trusted figure not only fails to defend but actively contributes to the risk of harm.
(not to mention my child parts were so disoriented)
Despite all of this, I survived and not by luck. My foundational knowledge in psychology, counselling, and trauma-informed care, plus my spiritual foundational tools, combined with decades of therapy, self taught trauma therapy and trauma grounding tools, allowed me to process, contextualise, and eventually reclaim my narrative.
Without those skills, the depth of relational and systemic abuse I experienced could have been lethal.
I am sharing this story now for advocacy, for healing, and to illuminate change.
I also keep saying organizationally, and relationally, K* had a vested interest in deterring collaboration among female trauma and mental health survivors
Suddenly J left me swimming Ina sea of sharks and cut off from all supports.
K was gaslighting me I had nothing & nobody
What k did is a direct violation of ethical leadership principles.
From a social and psychological perspective,
what he enacted mirrors patterns of control, triangulation, and suppression of collective agency common in toxic hierarchical systems and directly violating trauma informed research.
I no longer expend energy trying to rationalize his choices.(not K nor J nor P- I've got an entire post on theink and we can break it down theoretically)
Its also not about pointing the finger. In my relationship with J, I am.not without blame.
I am simply trying to “make sense” from an analytical and theoretical lense without being sucked into the trauma while still processing the memory.
In can't focus on what has been, but manifesting what comes next while releasing the experience.
But releasing what was is part of honouring my journey toward the future. “You cannot change reality until you accepty reality”
So here it is, the real facts”. Based in what I conceive I regulated my emotions.
If you compare this to my writing from 3-6 years ago, we are in a whole new mind
That's why I am lying out the research. Theory, evidence. There isn't the raw and emotional based accusatory bullshit nor is it stream of consciousness from my parts.
But its steeped in theory, research and im trying to be as fair and nuanced as possible while validating my own experiences.
So instead you are getting research, data and ill take it as far as peer reviewed next time to keep being fair to myself (and parts) because that is what this is about.
My focus is the truth, the discharge of my pain and the moving forward into my future. (on letting go, 4.0)
The lessons speak and I made sense of many of my lessons with emotionally and cognitively “immature” people by falling back on my background in academia when I was being invalidated by their “cognitive, emotionally charged and to be frank delusional/spiritually insane when there is a lack of critical thinking, my facilities and skillset spring into light”.
Ironically when I was extremely dysregulated I was pushed back into my rational mind, my wise mind, by learning to trust that inner intuitive knowing and balancing it with critical thinking . the facts of experience, the embodiment of my resilience, and the lessons I can carry forward. By speaking openly, my core state of expressing myself. (ok there's that audacity).
I reclaim my authority over my life, my relationships, and my capacity to heal, while also creating a framework for others to understand the subtle ways trauma, manipulation, and organisational dysfunction can intertwine and by learning the lessons of today's experience we can build a better tomorrow.
I guess I learnt dealing with people of a lesser intellect taught me I need to “hit the academic journal to cope” or be surrounded with people of a similar intellectual wavelength. I'm not being condescending. (oh she bites).
All of this
the reflection, the writing, the unpacking—serves to bring me back to my authentic self, the part of me that existed before the cascade of trauma, codependency, and relational enmeshments overtook my consciousness.
Psychologically, this is a process of identity restoration: integrating fragmented self-states, separating my core self from relational trauma scripts, and reconnecting with the capacities and aspirations I had before these patterns hijacked my life.
There’s a tangible grief associated with the lost decade: the years that feel “wasted” because they were consumed by trauma, manipulation, and relational dysfunction. Socially and psychologically, this aligns with concepts
developmental arrest or role disruption, where long-term goals and life scripts are derailed by interpersonal trauma and coercive relationships.
Neuropsychologically, chronic stress and trauma can impair executive functioning, working memory, and emotional regulation, which makes it harder to plan, organise, and enact long-term ambitions
All of it is precisely what I experienced and is what I voluntarily spend hours validating others on, but its filling my own cup now.
I recollect vividly the state I was in when I first met J in November 2015: a period of relative stability and flourishing. I was a year into my dream double degree in psychological and human sciences, building a non-profit for women with mental health issues with like-minded peers, cultivating a rich social and spiritual life. By objective measures, life was full, well-rounded, and purposeful. I felt empowered and competent
until I became enmeshed with Jonathan.
This is both of our faults
The erosion began subtly. Jonathan positioned himself as a parent figure, a surrogate authority for my fragmented self, and in doing so, he became the central node in a covertly controlling relational system.
My cognitive and emotional fragility, stemming from prior trauma and a therapist who had left me with unresolved affect dysregulation, meant that I trusted him completely, exposing my deepest memories, vulnerabilities, and identity fragments.
In trauma terms, this is a textbook case of attachment vulnerability exploited, where hyper-trust and emotional transparency were weaponised by a partner.
Over time, Jonathan’s manipulation narrowed my world. His framing of friends, incidents, and my own interests gradually restricted my autonomy, leading to self-censorship, avoidance, and internalized guilt.
Socially, this mirrors covert narcissistic abuse, where subtle control, micro-invalidations, and guilt induction produce compliance while eroding the victim’s self-efficacy.
Behaviorally, I shifted from agency-driven choices to guilt-driven compliance, a survival adaptation of trauma bonding that neurologically engages the stress and reward circuits, reinforcing proximity despite harm.
Even when external factors, like K*, were introduced into my life, Jonathan’s influence extended there.
I internalised responsibility for events I did not command, apologising and rectifying actions propelled upon me by his strategic interventions.
This is consistent with enmeshment and coerced compliance, where the sufferer assumes excessive responsibility to maintain relational stability despite the perpetrators being the initiator of damaging dynamics.
Looking back, I can see the pattern of guilt induction across relationships: overt narcissistic dynamics with Alexander (guilt arising later, post-event), covert narcissistic dynamics with Jonathan (guilt preceding and preceding ongoing compliance), and relational manipulation with K* (interpolated guilt, interceded by Jonathan).
An analysis helps me comprehend the neuropsychological and behavioural mechanisms at play: hypervigilance, threat anticipation, overactivation of the anterior cingulate and amygdala, and chronic self-blame as a conditioned response to relational pressure.
This reflection is not hedonistic; it is a necessary phase in reclaiming agency, rebuilding sovereignty, and realigning with my life goals.
I can now see how I was operating under coerced internalisation,
Coerced internalisation is absorbing another person’s distorted beliefs, judgments, or narratives as their own, often under subtle pressure or manipulation.
In trauma and codependent dynamics, it manifests when:
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